Mohsin Ahmad
Most of the time, at this hour, he would be thinking Today, he was restless as ever. His dream had put him into uneasiness and dilemma. His dreams always had a connection with reality. The reality of his daily life. Mostly his dreams will provide him a hint about his upcoming day. Today’s dream also had something in it, which terrified him. Possibly it happened because something had bothered him from yesterday evening till he fell asleep. So, his last thought of the day had appeared in his dream too and now seemed unavoidable for the rest of the day as well. He woke up at 6 O’clock in the morning and rubbing his red, sleep-ridden eyes, went to prepare for the coming hours. Nervous, shivering in the cold, he kept waiting at the bus stop at Zawoora to catch his first bus. It was 7 in the morning and he had been there for half an hour now. Finally, sitting at the back of a load-carrier, he reached his next stop. The sign of relief was yet to be seen on his grave face. The restlessness and the nervousness wouldn’t find its way out. Focused straight on his target, he went straight to the ATM. The hopelessness was quite evident from his posture. This restlessness and nervousness came from his worry about the 500 rupees note that was in his pocket. But why this worry and uneasiness? He barely kept his hand out of his pocket. He would steadily keep feeling the crispness on the note on his palm. The note kept giving him a touch of hard reality i.e. he had no small note or ‘change’ for the bus conductor and had to catch 2 buses from here to reach the University on time. But when the bus conductor would ask for the bus fare, what was he going to do? Was he going to show him the 500 rupees note and get slammed in response or was he going to find some miracle and get a 100 or 200 rupees note from the ATM? Did he really need to be so worried and nervous about it? How could he find the answers amidst such a hurry? The reason was apparent though, “Experience”. Who would come to his rescue, whisper in his ear or hold his hand and guide him through? The Nervousness still danced on his face and the question still remained, “to be or not to be?” The addition to his worry came from his knowledge about this particular ATM i.e. it rarely had any small notes. He went in and put his ATM card into the machine. Just when he tried to press the button, the machine played its role, “This ATM is currently out of service.” What now? What to do? He stood outside the ATM for a minute, looking here and there, trying to have an outer look at his miseries. Just when he was done, he thought of returning back to the bus-stop but just then something struck him. Somebody whispered in his ear to; wait, think, pray and hope for… And then he heard a voice within; “Is there any other ATM around?” With all his recalling power, he thought of something and his posture straightened. Quiet, rushing, he went straight to the other ATM, his “last” hope. On reaching there, pale as before, looking full of hopelessness with a “little” hope left somewhere within his activity (coming to this ATM). No man on earth, no heavenly powers could’ve stopped him from entering that ATM. He rushed through the door and hurriedly straightaway put his ATM card into the machine. What was going on in his mind at that time, only he knew. He was calling all the heavenly powers and, only faith had kept him a “little” hopeful. He did his thing, now the last button needed to be pressed but suddenly his hand felt chained to something by someone. He somehow managed to press the button, one last time. What the first machine was expected to do, did this one. “Please enter the nominations of 500 only.” As he read, he felt deceived, again. The machine too deceived him, just like his own luck had, since he Woke up. The machine was motionless yet laughing at his face, and adding more to his worries. What was to be done now? He tried to look here and there but the only answer he heard was; “Nothing to be done.” He looked around, took a few steps, and found himself outside the ATM. He looked up. But this look which ended in the blink of an eye, had many things in it. It was full of questions, disappointments, and a “little Hope”. His gaze , when it was done with the heavenly powers, fell straight on to a man standing right next to him. For a minute, it seemed that they both knew each other. No, it wasn’t his face that caught his eye, rather the man’s smile which had something in it. What was this ‘something’? Why was the man smiling at him? So many questions, yet so much more to think about. But he couldn’t think of anything else because the other person’s smile wouldn’t end. As a result, he had to do the same, and the smiles got exchanged. But were both the smiles artificial? He couldn’t care less as something within him lightened. When both were done smiling, the hopeless creature tried to go back (to the bus-stop), as apparently there was no hope for any miracle today. Something brought him back into a conscious state and it was the man, who was saying something. The boy had to forget about everything else for now and listen to him. So, he did as the situation demanded. What was the man saying to him, at this early hour? The boy turned all his attention towards the man and tried to read the widened lips. Man: Does it work? Boy: Yes, it does. Man: You got the money? Boy: No, I couldn’t. It only has 500 rupees notes but I need a smaller one. I’ve already got a 500 note. Man: I needed to withdraw some money. Boy: It does work. You could, easily. Man: But I don’t know how to use the machine. The boy thought for a second, concerned. He couldn’t think of anything. If he could’ve, he wouldn’t do what he did. Because sometimes by not helping others, you save yourself (Experience). Something unintentionally split out of his mouth; “Let me help you.” Was he actually willing to help? If not, why so? Experience? Was it him, who was offering the help to the man? What was going on? Where were the heavenly powers? The man hesitated for a second but couldn’t resist the offered help on insisting. Both got in and the man got his work done, even though it took more time than the boy had expected. Both parted their ways. While coming back to the bus stop, something hit the boy’s mind. He looked up, again, this time with a smile. But why was he smiling when his work was yet to be done? He dare not challenge the heavenly power! In a Jiffy, the smile faded away, and his eyes fell back on the target i.e. the bus he was about to get into. He, with a little sigh, muttered; “this is the way of the world”. Little did that man have the time to thank him. At this moment, his blood rushed through his body very fastly, taking away his stress for a moment and something in him lit the flame within him and his lips widened and eyes got watery on the poles, and yet again another look at the sky but this time without any guilt, stress, worry and all. He rubbed his hands, put a mask on his face (that he wore everyday while leaving home), widened his lips more and got into the bus. He took his seat, felt uncomfortable there (prevalent nervousness), got onto another seat at the back of the bus. The Bus left the stop and each passing second, added to his nervousness. This time, he wasn’t calling any powers to come and help him. He was dejected. He was sitting there with no hope left. Something from the outside caught his eye or was he pretending to do so, nobody could tell. The latter made more sense though. Because from the corner of the eye, he had seen the bus-conductor heading towards…? In a minute he knew that his luck was in deep slumber that day. The bus conductor was standing right next to him, waiting for the bus fare, 20 rupees note. The boy was left with no choice except handing over the only note in his pocket. While his hand was searching for the note, his widened lips uttered something. “Did you too have to come straightaway to me today?” Little did the bus conductor had any idea about what he was saying. Still he responded with; “I sensed it.” This little exchange of words eased the tension a little and the boy succeeded in getting the note out and showing it to the bus conductor. The conductor said nothing, took two steps backwards and asked another passenger for the fare. A sigh of relief! On the way, he kept thinking about how to pay the fare. His thoughts went here and there, and till he could come to the conclusion, his destined stop arrived. He got up, fixed his eyes on the bus conductor and instead of the door, went towards him. The bus conductor was mute with no concern about the unpaid fare. He must have forgotten till now or hasn’t he? Nobody could’ve guessed. The boy went straight to him, said something in a confident tone this time. He cared very little about the sudden wave of confidence that struck him. Boy: You still haven’t got any change?” Conductor: No. You could pay online though. Sigh of relief! But how come he took a sigh of relief? If this was one of the solutions, how come he didn’t come up with it earlier? With this unfinished sigh, nervousness hit again. Was there anything in his bank account? If yes, was there enough money to pay the fare? (The reader might get confused here that if he had no money in his bank account, how could then he have got a note out of the ATM earlier. All of us must remember in such types of situations that “a mind is in its own place and can make a hell of heaven a heaven of hell”.) Nothing could be done with a mind overloaded with tension. The only option left was; to think less and act more. So, he thought very little, took his phone in shivering hands, hoped for a miracle and so did it happen. He paid the 20 rupee fare. He got out of the bus, crossed the road and walked towards another stop to catch the last bus. This one was supposed to drop him at his ultimate destination. But something still bothered him because he too belonged to the human race. What had just happened? How was he here? How did he manage to pay the fare with so much ease? Where did all the worries go? Who held his hand and guided him through, when he had very less hopes from the heavenly powers? Who was with him? So many questions and yet so much more to worry about. While un-answered questions kept striking him, he found himself at the last stop, besides the bus which he was supposed to get into. He was halfway there to his destination and only this “last-stage” was to be conquered. But he was motionless as ever and thoughtless as usual. What to do now? Was there any possibility for the help from anybody? Will he find any anonymous help, as he had done earlier? Where were the powers that had helped the man? Where were the Heavenly Powers the boy had been trying to invoke? This time he cared very less about the Powers. He didn’t look up either. Was he careless “now”? Were the human traits playing their role? Was he taking the powers for granted? Or was there anything else? So many questions, yet so much more to be done. He took a few steps, looked here and there, and found his target, the bus conductor. Was he directly gonna tell him about his worry? Where was his confident self? Right now he had no time to think of what to say. He addressed the bus conductor and asked with the same widened lips; “Is there any ATM around?” But why didn’t he directly ask the question that he wanted to ask? “Experience”. Conductor: “I don’t know. (A little pause). Maybe you could find one around.” The later part of the response lightened half of the boy’s worries. Not because he could find the ATM but because the bus conductor seemed approachable and unorthodox. Was this the boy’s real intention? To know the nature of the bus conductor? Who could tell, when the subject is the “Human Race”. After a little pause, the boy began; “Actually I’ve got no change. So I was thinking maybe I could get a smaller note from the ATM.” No response from the other end. Did the boy misjudge him? Did he need to worry more, again? He thought of almost nothing and began, again, with the intention to finish his task (to either put an end to his worries or multiply them). Was it possible though, who could tell? “Do you accept the online payment?” This brought the bus conductor’s attention back to the boy and he took the quick up & down look of the boy, like a typical bus conductor. This didn’t concern the boy. “Experience”. But what surprised him was that the bus conductor responded in a different way than he was expected to. “Ask the driver. He could tell you.” The boy thanked him in a jiffy and got into the empty-bus with only the driver (a bonus) sitting at his seat. There was no one to give the boy a pity look, if the driver slammed him. Experience. He headed directly to the driver’s seat, greeted him and began testing his luck (one last time?). He didn’t hesitate this time (perhaps because of the receiver’s gesture ‘smile’ or maybe because of the ”one last time” thing circulating in his mind) and composed his rare-confident self once again and said in a confident, hopeful tone without taking a pause; “Is there a way to pay the bus-fare online? I have got no smaller notes but 500 one and there are no ATMs around.” Was he hoping for a miracle? In such situations, one rarely has any time to pray for the miracles and they usually take time to happen. Was there any hope left for the boy? What answer was he expecting now? Soon, everything was put to an end when he found Driver’s lips separating from each other and some voice caught his attention. The Bus Driver was speaking. What he spoke, mattered least. What mattered the most was his tone (high or low?). The boy brought all his hearing powers together and it eased him. The Bus Driver was talking in a low tone which was non-typical of him. It seemed as if the world was a better place with no worries at all. But this joy soon ended when he remembered that he had got less money in his account than he was supposed to pay for the fare. Another issue now?! Who will help him now but his own self. He tried one last time and addressed the issue to the Driver. The response he got, wasn’t different from what he had expected. Experience. He began doing the online payment and the Universe was yet to be done. The payment failed 2 times. He took a sigh which contained (unconsciously) a “little hope”; hope for a miracle, for heavenly powers to assemble and help him, for the Universe to guide him through, and everything. He went for one last try and… He held his phone in the hand, looked at the Driver with widened lips (unforceably). In a minute, he found himself sitting in the back seat of the bus. Why was he at the back? Was he comfortable there? How did he come here? Why were his lips still widened? Why have they remained in the same state for more than a minute now? What was the reason? Was it something earthly? Was it the Human Race? Was it the Powers he was known to? What was it? But one thing was clear that Powers usually chose to come to the rescue in an indirect way (Experience). But life is all about questions with no direct answers, and at times, with no answers at all. So, it was better for the boy to stop looking for the answers and stop thinking about the questions. Yet he was left with so many questions. Yet he had so much more to think and worry about.
